I See Me: disintegration and reintegration

I See Me: disintegration and reintegration

I was invited to participate in a project by the awesome blogger @sarahdanne. Check out her post that set this all off I See Me: Mirror vs. Selfie.

I am absolutely terrified of posting this online. The truth is I don’t like seeing myself, whether in a mirror or in a photograph. All I see is every mistake I have ever made, every sin I have ever commited and every failure reflected back at me. When I look in the mirror it is merely a function to make sure that I am dressed appropriately for the outside world. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME!

Broken glass reflected via a projector onto a wall. Abstract way of looking at something.
Its all about perspective

I lock myself behind avatars and pseudonyms. I hide from the world because often I feel that my judgement of self is a universal truth.

self-perception

An awareness of the characteristics that constitute one’s self; self-knowledge.

Let’s look at why I have this kind of view:

  • Upbringing: extremely sensitive child in a volatile existence
  • Social anxiety: unable to engage comfortably with the people around me
  • Repeated traumas: not being good enough despite doing everything possible to be the best
  • Punishment: I am harder onmyself than anyone else and am mean to me because I think I deserve it
  • Transcience: Life, people, money, things ~ they don’t stick around
  • Connections: There are people who I don’t ever want to see again and could find me by this revelation.

So you’ve read up to here and you’re a little bit worried about me (maybe…?). Or left wondering where this is going?

The gist of the project is to post a selfie, reflect your thoughts and incorporate the other team members thoughts into a single cohesive post. This means I have to show myself…

Steampunk masked woman
How do I take off the mask?

Do you understand what you are asking?

You’re asking me to take off a mask that I have held in place for my entire life. Its not quite like ripping off a band aid… more like breaking myself apart. Shedding years of bad conditioning: people’s opinions, lies, deceptions, dare I say indoctrinations.

I previously blogged about my reflections of healing and there I said: “Sometimes you need to fight for yourself as hard as you fight for others.”. If I truly believe this and I do, then it is time to let go. No facade, just me…

Here I am, look at me, see me!

Selfie of Taryn
What am I doing!?

I honestly hate selfies and perhaps mirrors even more. I never look good in any of them. My hair is always terrible. My lips/skin are always in a state because of eczema. I’m soooo pale and of course I am terribly overweight.

Putting this up here freaks me out. My anxiety is going off like New Year’s fireworks. I don’t want people to see me. Most of the time I try to make myself invisible. It took many months before I put up a photo on Twitter. And every now and then I take it down, because those negative thoughts can become overwhelming.

I also tend to over explain stuff and am a “deleter”. I delete my photos, my tweets, anything related to social media. I go through life as a transient being. Being this candid and honest with myself actually hurts.

Here’s what others had to say:

  • What I see is someone who looks compassionate. I see someone with expressive brown eyes. If you smiled at me, I’d smile back at you.
  • I see someone BRAVE. Someone that gets the damn thing done amidst any struggles with self-image or anything else. I know that I’d be able to talk to you for hours about our shared insecurities and that you wouldn’t judge me.
  • I see flawless skin. You have even, clear coloring. It’s gorgeous. I see thoughtful, pensive eyes. I am sure your mind is full of amazing ideas.
  • Your lips are beautiful! I love the color and how full they are. You have such a beautiful face.

So… what are you really afraid of?

I’ve asked myself this question many times. And the truth is…
I’m afraid of me! Of my potential, of everything that I have accomplished in life despite some struggles, of everything I still intend to do. I’m afraid I’ll succeed. And this… THIS… is absolutely silly. I live my life in hiding and distract myself from being me. Out of fear.

I don’t need anyone’s acceptance. Wait… that’s not true. I need to accept myself and love myself and just be myself.

That means accepting the good and the bad. And also forgiving myself for wasting this much time on something so trivial. If I could go back in time and give advice to my younger self. I would say: “Be fire! Burn bright! Live for you and dance in the light.”

In closing I have learned that I am very complicated. But no less deserving of the life I dream off. And hereby posting this: “I set you free”.

Ok, now I am crying. Blog you soon.

Mandala
Purple energy centre
Flame outer ring
disintegration and reintegration

Links of fellow bloggers who participated in the project

Controlled Chaos

Buffalo Sauce Everywhere

9 Replies to “I See Me: disintegration and reintegration”

  1. Ugh! This was absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for being a part of this project. You are wonderful! I am so proud of you, and everything you have done.

    I 100% understand being afraid to succeed. I sometimes feel like that as well, more in the past than now. How would I manage success? I can’t even manage my life now (haha)! Like you said, it’s silly. But there are so many silly things we tell ourselves, and yet we believe them.

    You most definitely deserve the life you dream of.

    Dream on!

  2. It requires an incredible amount of strength of character to be able to face yourself and expose that self to the world. This is a potent article, well expressed, and very moving.

    1. Such raw honesty and courage that comes from your post. I can’t bring myself to take my ‘mask’ off quite yet, but hats off to you! It gives me assurances that I can do it, too, one day.

      1. Thank you! Sometimes I still slip back into old habits. It is quite difficult to let go and move on. One can only try.

        Rooting for you!

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